


The Grand Rehab Breakout

by Lacertae



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alpha Timeline, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Alpha Timeline, Gen, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Pesterlog, Rehab, The Great Escape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-21
Updated: 2012-06-21
Packaged: 2017-11-08 06:10:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/440015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lacertae/pseuds/Lacertae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the HSO  Bonus Round 1</p><p>Roxy&Dirk</p><p>Rehab + The Great Escape</p><p>Faced with the horror of three weeks without her trusty martini stash, what's a teenager to do?</p><p>Pester her best friend to get him to break her out, obviously.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Grand Rehab Breakout

**Author's Note:**

> I had so much fun writing this, even though I was a bit unsure since writing typos is hard (word kept trying to correct them for me, haha)

–– timaeusTestified [ TT ] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [ TG ] at 10:35 ––

TT: Roxy.

TT: Are you there?

TT: Let me know when you’re around.

TG: dirk

TG: diiiiiiikr

TG: let me tlel u

TG: this place shucks

TG: it shucks SO much

TT: It is nice to see you haven’t lost your wits yet.

TT: You’ve been ignoring my messages so far, I wanted to know if everything is ok.

TG: nuttin is ok dirk here its all CRAZY

TG: they

TG: they dnont let me have ALCHOOL

TG: lol *alcohol

TT: I guess that is the purpose of being sent to rehab, Roxy. It is a way for you to stop relying so much on your alcoholic beverages, and finally start seeing the appeal of less dazzling drinks, so to speak.

TG: as if i never drkink anything else come on dirk

TG: i dont have a prboblom with alchol

TG: *alcohool

TG: w/e

TT: I suspect you downplay the influence alcohol has on your life, and your mother is simply very much worried about you. It is entirely in her capabilities to send you off until you have purged your veins of that nasty beverage.

TG: u have no place to speak

TG: cuz u just drink ornage juice

TG: all day

TG: but a lady gotta have her martini

TG: its been hell because they refusde to give me

TG: my martini

TG: i dont think i can stay here nomore

TT: Roxy.

TT: It has been only three hours.

TT: The moment I heard you were being shipped off, I immediately tried contacting you, and that brings us to the present moment.

TT: Merely three hours later. Let me stress on the three hours period.

TT: Bro said your mom signed you in for at least a three-weeks period. If you are already complaining despite barely having set a foot around, it simply feels like you are not considering the situation as carefully as you should.

TT: At least settle down for a bit first.

TG: i cant make it to three weeks dirk

TG: I CANT

TG: im going to deihydratate

TG: *deidratate

TG: *turn into a dried up blob

TG: no more liquids running in my veins

TG: * sbobs drmamaticantally waving her drink round *

TG: only i dont have my drink dirk

TG: i dnont like it here

TG: i wanna go home

TT: If you’re solely opposing your mother’s desire to offer you a healthier life, there are better ways to do that rather than just run away at the first chance.

TT: My suggestion would be to lay low for a while and look around the place. Just take a moment to analyse the situation, checking for every possible thing that could help you.

TT: Of course I am simply offering you a suggestion. If you wait until the three weeks period ends, then you can go back and if you truly wish as much, resume your usual alcohol intake. I know by now how your relationship with your mother works, and it would be of more impact if you were to show that the three weeks were actually wasted on you, rather than run away and offer her the perfect opportunity to do something more elaborate.

TT: Lay low and accept your fate. Your mother has the proverbial knife by its handle this time.

TG: mom is jsut doing her lil silly game again

TG: psassive aggrievess ness

TG: she doesnt care if i stay or nto

TG: help me get the fcuk out of here

TT: Roxy, are you even listening to me? I told you to look around first. The enemy you know is the enemy you can defeat. Settle in and scout around until you find something you can exploit.

TT: It will be fine. If it helps, think about something else aside for the lack of alcohol.

TT: It is surprising enough they have allowed you the use of the computer and chat client. Otherwise how do you plan on contacting me if they take that away?

TG: i hid my phone in my undrewear

TG: they dinint thunk about checking in there

TG: taboo place or w/e

TT: That is certainly an information I would have been fine without knowing.

TT: But I am indeed grateful you are going to keep contact with me.

TT: It would be really boring without having your drunken typing all over my computer screen.

TG: omg dirk i msiss u too

TG: why dont u

TG: do ur prince charmin sht

TG: make me swoon like a prnicess

TG: *princesse

TG: *SWOONs omg mr strider SWOONs*

TG: come here and lets break me out from this shtty place plz

TG: unrinonally rnunnig away

TG: *unironiclally

TG: *4 realz

TT: While that would prove to be rather entertaining, given the lack of interesting shit for this upcoming summer without my friend there to back me up, I have to say I think you might want to sit it out this time.

TT: It might be even good for you, who knows.

TT: For now, simply try to settle in and do not worry about running away.

TT: You can always pester me when you need to talk.

TT: We are friends, after all.

TG: a godo froend would get me outta here. .///

–– timaeusTestified [ TT ] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [ TG ] at 11:18 ––

***

–– timaeusTestified [ TT ] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [ TG ] at 12:00 ––

TT: Roxy, I pestered you less than an hour ago.

TT: I left for a shower and when I come back, you have filled my screen with a wall of irate messages.

TT: Does that mean you are still unable to settle down, unlike what I suggested before?

TG: no shtit shrelock

TG: *shit

TG: lolol tits

TG: of course i need your pedantic slef

TG: get me outta here dirk

TG: diiiirk

TG: dirk plz

TT: I think we talked about that already, Roxy. I can’t get you out of there.

TG: shuuuush. we both know im k and dun need rehbab

TG: i drink alcohol but i don’t absuse it

TG: *abuse

TG: i just wanna go home.

TT: Why are you pestering me about that? Shouldn’t you contact your mother and try to ask her instead? In your usual passive-aggressive modus operandi, I mean.

TG: yses i did that already mr grumpypants

TG: she was all oh roxy dear

TG: im deeply worried

TG: tis will hlep u

TG: bullshtit

TG: not gonna help

TG: treat me like im a drunkard

TG: im not a drunkard dirk

TG: i just like my martini

TG: if mom didnt want me to drink her alcoloh

TG: she woulda locked the cabintet

TT: So you simply decided to bypass your mother and ask me instead, knowing that if you bother me enough, I will have to give in and do as you ask.

TG: excatly.

TG: because were froends

TG: the best froends evur

TT: Yes, that seems to be the case on this side, too. Which is why, although it pains me, I’ll have to actually listen to whatever plan your mind has come up with and fix it so it will have an infinitesimal chance to work, instead of just staring at you as you attempt, fail, and end up being dragged back kicking and screaming.

TT: Any time now, you are free to indulge and tell me.

TT: Roxy?

–– tipsyGnostalgic [ TG ] is now an idle chum! ––

***

–– tipsyGnostalgic [ TG ] began pestering timaeusTestified [ TT ] at 13:20 ––

TG: dirk

TG: diiiiirk

TG: diiiiik

TT: Finally, I was beginning to fear for your health.

TT: Where did you go? It’s been over an hour since you disappeared without notice. And now you deign yourself to message me again.

TT: I expect you to explain what has happened.

TT: But first and foremost, are you ok?

TG: yea fine fine

TG: no need to get ur prissy pants in a twsit

TG: *twist

TG: i had to get my beautyfull ass out of dnager 

TG: one of the guards was coming and i had to tiptoe the fcuk away

TG: im toters fine

TG: fine and dandy

TG: now haul your ass up and get ready dirk

TT: So I gather you were able to hide your phone before someone could come and see you happily chatting away with the person who will probably aid your crazy, over the top plan to run away.

TT: A bit like one of the movies Jake would like, maybe. Breaking you out of prison, with an informer outside aiding your drunken ass all the way to Florida, or maybe Nebraska, hitchhiking until you are free and singing like a birdie.

TG: sumthin like that yea

TG: this place is like big

TG: WHOA bigass big

TG: they hckec everything with cameras and shit

TG: and my head hurts

TG: feels like drill drill drill right into my templs

TT: That is your hangover kicking in. Obviously is it no fun. If you truly wish to escape the clutches of what will be one of the worst cases of headache you’ve ever had the pleasure of feeling, it is better you explain what you have in mind, Roxy.

TT: How do you plan on running from that rehab clinic? And get back home?

TG: fr that ill have ur help ;)

TG: itll be the best escsaping plan evur

TG: ppl will retell it in thier blogs and fcbooks and twitters

TG: itll be made into a moive

TG: *movie

TG: but first i need ur help bcs i cant hack in this system w/out my computer

TG: so jst listen to what i say

TG: type

TG: w/e

TT: I’m at your wish and command, princess. I’ll pull all the strings with my competent hands but the control will be yours. Shoot your orders miss.

TG: not princsess

TG: i decided its stpuid

TG: *stupid

TG: imma rouge

TT: By that I will have to assume you do not mean the shade of colour but rather the caste of Rogues. Well then, rogue, shoot me your orders and I will make the puppets play.

TG: k thks best froend

TG: *friend

TG: here it goes ;)

TG: plan GRAND REHAB BREAKOUT

TG: strat

TG: *start lolol

***

The phone was ringing.

Dave Strider, age thirty-one, successful movie director, mostly famous for his comic series SBaHJ, of which he had directed over three movies and an equally well-received TV-series, turned the music down and looked over his shoulder, waiting for his little bro to answer.

The phone continued ringing, but now that he had lowered the volume of his DJ set, Dave could hear the familiar sound of water running, and cursed slightly.

He had been working on a jig for a while, and he was sure that Dirk had taken a shower already right after lunch. He couldn’t seriously be getting his ablution time on so soon already.

Checking his watch, Dave cursed when he realised that it was already half past six. He’d have to wrap his work up and drag the kid out to eat.

The phone was still ringing, so with a defeated, disgruntled sigh, Dave stomped over and picked it up, checking the caller.

His hand froze halfway to his ear when he caught Rose’s number flashing on the small display.

He wanted to put the receiver down, but he had already answered. Better see what she wanted.

"Sup?"

"Dave," Rose’s voice was as pleasant and as calm as usual, but Dave had grown apt at sniffing out when something was bubbling under the surface, and seriously, this felt like imminent disaster.

Instincs honed by an entire life spent as a Strider, Dave knew he was threading on thin ice.

"Yes that’s me Rosie," he replied, trying to keep his tone even and not panic.

He had done nothing to upset her. Nothing at all. "To what do I owe the pleasure of this call, so early after our last conversation?"

There was a small tinge of amusement in Rose’s voice when she answered, but the feeling of impending doom still lingered on his head. "Yes, I do remember. It was such a pleasure to be able to uncover some of those deep, rooted problems you were hiding away, tucked within the confines of your mind… pleasant indeed".

Dave refused to give in to the urge to cringe. Even if there was no one to see him doing it, he still didn’t want to break his cool façade.

Even if Psychologist Rose was worth a cringe.

"Well, Dave, do you perhaps know what your little bro has been doing for the last few hours?"

Dave licked his dry lips and swallowed. "Actually, aside for wasting all my hot water with his overly long showers, I have no idea".

"So you do not know that he was half responsible for my daughter breaking out of the rehab clinic I had sent her to merely an hour and a half ago," Rose continued, tone still nice and even.

Despite the fear that she would turn grimdark on him, Dave couldn’t restrain a laugh.

"So the lil dipship gave up and helped her out, huh. I knew he wouldn’t be able to resist".

"Indeed, I was afraid that would be the case," Rose sighed.

"You ain’t going to bitch at her when she comes home, are you," Dave inquired, more like a confirmation than an actual question.

A small sigh. "No, I am not. Although I guess I should perhaps change my methods a bit in light of this entire situation".

"I swear, one day you’ll have to admit that this whole passive-aggressive shit is completely one-sided, and that day, I will be there to laugh at you," feeling like the danger was gone and in no way about to rain on his beautiful, movie director ass, Dave relaxed.

"You are not going to punish your little bro either, are you?"

Dave snorted in amusement. "Oh, definitely the opposite. He’s going to receive the biggest collection of pony play porn he’s ever seen in his life, and he’s going to enjoy it up to the last very second".

Rose chuckled softly. "I guess I’d like to be there to see his face when that moment comes".

"You’re welcome here any day, Rosie, yah know that. You’re family".

"Yes. Yes, I know that Dave. Now I must go, I have a daughter to greet back home".

"Bye, Rosie, don’t choke on the passive-aggressive bullshit".

"Goodbye Dave, I’ll see you at our usual feelings jam session, and be punctual".

This time Dave did cringe.

**–Fin–**


End file.
